So, then, that leads to the question… What do I want? I want a job where I can help people. Maybe it was a mistake for me to go into computer science. I was originally attracted by money and opportunities, but you can’t really help anybody— except for some fat guy’s wallet. I looked into law school, which was kind of promising, except that I don’t really like public speaking. Even though I’m sure I’d be good at coming up with arguments and counterarguments, and even though the idea of being a prosecutor (rather than a lawyer) is appealing because I want to help prosecute criminals and help the wrongfully accused be declared innocent, I wonder how good I could actually be if I don’t like speaking in front of others. Even though the idea is appealing, I’m guessing it’s probably not the best course of action.

I also thought of trying to become a clinical psychologist. I could get a second undergraduate degree in psychology in a little more than a year, then apply to grad school. However, the psychology department here is VERY selective— 6 out of 117 applicants were accepted a few years back.  It’s only gotten more selective since then as more and more people apply. And even if I were somehow able to get in, I would have to get a PhD— which would take several years— then take 2 more years of classes for “respecialization” so that I could actually practice. Then, I would have to take a 2000-hour internship before I could get licensed. I wouldn’t be able to actually practice until I was well into my 30s— and I don’t think I want to go to school that long, especially for something I’m not entirely sure about.

There’s still the option to finish grad school in computer science, but I have to wonder what’s the point. It’s not something that comes naturally to me, and even though I’m good at it in spite of that fact, I still don’t like the fact that ultimately all I’m contributing to is some other person’s wealth.

I suppose I could always be a librarian, though I’m not sure if that really appeals to me.

And, of course, I could always take the position I’m going for now, assuming I make it through this lengthy process. Perhaps I’m just nervous about such a big change, but I’m afraid that I’ll drag everyone up there and discover I hate it. I think if I did that, Toby would hate me for the rest of his life. Either that, or he wouldn’t respect me, which is worse.

Blargh. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Any suggestions? I’m open to anything…

And though I am better than most of my peers at computer science, it’s not something I’m passionately interested in. Toby is passionate about programming— it’s something he sits up late at night and researches. I don’t. Because of the enormous amount of responsibility he has, he doesn’t have as much time or energy to devote to programming as he would like, and he has gotten out of practice. He takes it very hard, especially considering how good he was when he was in school. I know, however, that if he had more time, all to himself, to practice and study, he would surpass what he was back then. I know he wants to. I guess for now it’s just a waiting game.

Toby needs to pursue what interests him, and so do I. I’ve made it this far, but it’s still not as interesting to me as I had hoped it would become. I keep wondering where I would be if I had stayed in Korean, especially since the job I’m going for now doesn’t require a computer science degree at all.

Perhaps this is just the last-year jitters. I’ve heard of others who made it almost all the way to the end of their degree before getting second thoughts and changing their major. This, of course, keeps them in school for much longer than they would normally be. Some people go through this process repeatedly. However, it does seem to be a common problem, and maybe it has less to do with the worries about the major itself than with worries about life beyond school.

I can’t help but wonder if I did make a mistake. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m probably just worried, and that this is almost over. It’s ALMOST OVER! Why worry needlessly when the end is so near in sight? I took all the Korean language courses I could, and I have no regrets about not taking those ridiculous syntax courses. I have nothing to regret. Almost over… and then “real life” can set in.

Since I doubt that the company I applied for is still interested in me, I’ve also given up all hope of leaving my current location. I guess it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to stay here a little longer, but I do hope that someday we can go somewhere else. I know that not everyone shares my sentiments. Maybe time will change one of us. I guess it doesn’t really matter who, as long as we’re both happy with where we are. Maybe one day I’ll grow to like this place, and no longer feel like an outsider. Maybe.

 For the most part, I kind of have an idea of what I want to do. I recently applied for the job of my dreams– utilizing my Korean skills in a way I never thought possible– but it requires relocating. I myself have no problems with moving, but I wonder if I can bring myself to force my loved ones to leave the only home they ever knew. It’s no secret that I don’t particularly enjoy where I live– paradise is, after all, in the eyes of the beholder– but can I really force them to leave the place they love? Would it be purely selfish of me to drag them so far away for the purpose of my own career? What if they hate it there?

If that job falls through, I can apply for a software development position here, though it naturally won’t be the same. I wonder how skilled I really am. Although I am consistently at the top of my class, good classroom performance does not necessarily equal good job performance. I’m a little worried. There really aren’t any companies I’m interested in working for here, and what jobs there are don’t pay very well. So many people seem so unhappy with their jobs, though that isn’t a problem limited solely to here. I wonder if I could even be happy. How much is too much to ask for?

Worried as I am, it isn’t very productive to fret about the future when I still have several months to go. I need to see what happens in the near future before any kind of decision can be reached, and this is most certainly a decision I cannot make on my own. I’m sure things will work out for the best regardless of the direction life takes us. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help ease my anxiety.