Worries

Since this is my last semester, I’ve naturally been thinking a lot about what to do beyond graduation. The trip to DC made me question whether or not I’m really a good fit for the position I’m applying for. For one thing, I think my Korean abilities have plateaued, and although language ability isn’t necessary, not being at a specific level means that I’ll be losing a LOT of money. There’s quite a lot of money to be made in language pay alone. I also felt a little out of place when I visited the office. One of the employees made a point to comment on the fact that I do not have a graduate degree. I really do wonder if this is the job I really want.

So, then, that leads to the question… What do I want? I want a job where I can help people. Maybe it was a mistake for me to go into computer science. I was originally attracted by money and opportunities, but you can’t really help anybody— except for some fat guy’s wallet. I looked into law school, which was kind of promising, except that I don’t really like public speaking. Even though I’m sure I’d be good at coming up with arguments and counterarguments, and even though the idea of being a prosecutor (rather than a lawyer) is appealing because I want to help prosecute criminals and help the wrongfully accused be declared innocent, I wonder how good I could actually be if I don’t like speaking in front of others. Even though the idea is appealing, I’m guessing it’s probably not the best course of action.

I also thought of trying to become a clinical psychologist. I could get a second undergraduate degree in psychology in a little more than a year, then apply to grad school. However, the psychology department here is VERY selective— 6 out of 117 applicants were accepted a few years back.  It’s only gotten more selective since then as more and more people apply. And even if I were somehow able to get in, I would have to get a PhD— which would take several years— then take 2 more years of classes for “respecialization” so that I could actually practice. Then, I would have to take a 2000-hour internship before I could get licensed. I wouldn’t be able to actually practice until I was well into my 30s— and I don’t think I want to go to school that long, especially for something I’m not entirely sure about.

There’s still the option to finish grad school in computer science, but I have to wonder what’s the point. It’s not something that comes naturally to me, and even though I’m good at it in spite of that fact, I still don’t like the fact that ultimately all I’m contributing to is some other person’s wealth.

I suppose I could always be a librarian, though I’m not sure if that really appeals to me.

And, of course, I could always take the position I’m going for now, assuming I make it through this lengthy process. Perhaps I’m just nervous about such a big change, but I’m afraid that I’ll drag everyone up there and discover I hate it. I think if I did that, Toby would hate me for the rest of his life. Either that, or he wouldn’t respect me, which is worse.

Blargh. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Any suggestions? I’m open to anything…

I haven’t yet heard back about my application, so I guess it’s safe to assume that I won’t be getting the job. It saddens me, but I suppose it’s for the best. Lucky for me, this semester quite a few companies are coming to campus, and many of them seem really interesting. There’s an engineering fair on Friday, which will have several companies present. In addition, individual companies will be coming to give presentations later on in the semester. It’s all very exciting, and I hope that I find the company that’s a perfect fit– for both me and them. Maybe if I’m really, really lucky, I’ll find a company that values not only my programming skills, but my language skills. I would really love to find a job where I could use both throughout my day. Maybe it’s just a dream, but it does give me something to shoot for.

Since I doubt that the company I applied for is still interested in me, I’ve also given up all hope of leaving my current location. I guess it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to stay here a little longer, but I do hope that someday we can go somewhere else. I know that not everyone shares my sentiments. Maybe time will change one of us. I guess it doesn’t really matter who, as long as we’re both happy with where we are. Maybe one day I’ll grow to like this place, and no longer feel like an outsider. Maybe.