Another chat log. Original date: 8/8/2005

Moomoo:
Yo, Goo.

Goomby:
My dear Moomoo.

Moomoo:
How hast thou been?

Goomby:
Alas, dark times have befallen me.

Moomoo:
What sort of darkness hast covered and hidden thy most beautiful smile?

Goomby:
Alas, I fear the many pounds of gluttony hath attached themselves to mine body.

Moomoo:
‘Tis okay, Goomby. These malign spirits can be chased away with ritualistic purification and fasting.
However, the ritual is quite painful, and not very appealing.
‘Tis a difficult choice for a young man such as yourself.

Goomby:
I fear my body will not endure.
But I must shed the gluttony.

Moomoo:
Pray to the gods for purity and strength, and strike the demons manifested in your flesh with your Drum of Dieting.
If you pray enough, the gods will take pity on your plight and grant you the form you so desire.

Goomby:
Must I make a human sacrifice?

Moomoo:
Look deep within yourself; if you believe that it will best soothe the gods, then sacrifice you must.

Goomby:
I…I don’t know! I fear my connection hath grown dim from the years of careless gluttony.

Moomoo:
Hmm, it is worse than I suspected.

Goomby:
I am in such a state of remorse.

Moomoo:
In that case, you must seek the aid of a high priestess for one of the Dieting Deities who will help you to reach the state of nirvana, and avoid angering the gods.
(It’s okay; I, too, have fallen.)

Goomby:
Oh, so I can’t use you as a sacrifice.

Moomoo:
Indeed you cannot.
I am not a pure being in the eyes of the Deities.
Perhaps we must chant together and seek to purge ourselves of our sins.

Goomby:
Chant?
Teach me, oh master.

Moomoo:
*throws arms in air*
OHHHHHHHHMMMMM…..

Goomby:
*throws arms in air*

Moomoo:
*chants a bunch of nonsense words*

Goomby:
OHHHHHHHMMMMMARGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH

Moomoo:
…
Hmm.
You may be a little too far gone.
Well, we shall try anyway.

Goomby:
*spits out hairball*
*tries to chant*

Moomoo:
*performs a dance*
*stops*
*hands back up in air*
Gods, you who have watched us from before we were born
You see all and know all
You know we have deviated from the Perfect form you bestowed upon us
And we ask for your patience with our continual failures

Goomby:
*nods*

Moomoo:
OHHHHHHMMMMMMMM……
Give us the strength to fight off the Malign spirits within us

Goomby:
OHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMACHOOO!

Moomoo:
So that we may once again return to your Perfect form

Goomby:
*tries to dance and knocks Moomoo over*

Moomoo:
We need your endless patience and stre–
*falls*
Noooooo!!!!
You disrupted the ritual!!
The gods will be angry for sure!!
*thunderclouds form overhead*

Goomby:
AAAAAAAAAGH! FORGIVE MEEEEEE!
*flings self on floor*

Moomoo:
*lightning strikes Goomby*

Goomby:
Ow.
Moomoo?
Some help?

Moomoo:
Yeah, right.
I don’t want to get struck, too.
*gets struck*
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Goomby:
I don’t think we’re dealing with merciful gods here.

Moomoo:
*Goomby gets struck again*
Don’t speak such blasphemy!

Goomby:
Ow.

Moomoo:
*falls to knees and begins chanting anew*

Goomby:
I guess I’ll lose weight just lying here because I definitely can’t move.

Moomoo:
Ah ha, see?!!
They’re answering our fervent prayers!!
Praise be to the Deities!!

Goomby:
They’re a smart bunch, aren’t they?
*lies contentedly*
I’m hungry.

Moomoo:
*nods enthusiastically*
Me too.
*a banana lies just beyond reach*
*and a candy bar*
*and a box of cereal*

Goomby:
Uh…Moo?
Can you reach that food over there?

Moomoo:
Sure thing, Goo.
*grunt, grunt*
…
I can’t seem to reach it.
*struggle to reach food*

Goomby:
*wails in hunger*
*tries to inch charred body across the floor*
Owww.

Moomoo:
Hrm.
Well, there are plenty of animals that can subsist while living in one spot their entire lives, right?

Goomby:
There’s a spider crawling up my sleeve.

Moomoo:
All we have to do is develop an external digestive system to eat anything that lands on us.
Like that spider.

Goomby:
Doesn’t that take billions of years of evolution?

Moomoo:
Nah, we’re Americans.

Goomby:
Okkay…so how do I do this?

Moomoo:
…
Well
Um
Like, learn to secrete something from your pores that will immobilize the spider
Then have your skin absorb it
It’s easy, see?
*tries to do it, but fails miserably*

Goomby:
*strains*
*looks constipated*

Moomoo:
*goes cross-eyed*
…

Goomby:
This is not helping our situation.