Around Christmas, I brought out my violin to play simple carols for Tommy and Athena. I knew I hadn’t played in quite a while, and that the last time I tried to play I sounded pretty bad, but I figure, hey, they’re simple songs, how bad could it be?

Short answer: It was bad.

REALLY bad. I sounded like I was just beginning– squeaky, unsteady, wrong notes, wrong finger placements. Granted, it’s been at least 5 years since I really played; however, I used to be really, really good. In 7th grade, I placed 4th chair in the city’s youth orchestra. Most of the people seated behind me were older than me. (There are usually around 30 violinists in an orchestra.) I stopped auditioning for the youth orchestra in 10th grade, and dropped out of my high school Strings class starting in 11th grade, but I continued to practice at home, at least occasionally. While I was no longer as good as I used to be, I at least was decent.

Fast-forward to my leaving for Hawaii. I was limited in what I could bring with me, so my violin got left behind. (In all fairness, I’m not convinced that if I went to another school, I would have brought it with me, either.) It was 2 years before I returned, and although I brought my violin back with me that time, when I tried to play, I was dismayed by how bad I’d gotten. So I didn’t play because it was painful to hear myself, to see just how far I’d fallen.

So now, after even more years of not playing, I’ve gotten to the point where I sound like I did when I first started out. I wanted to play something simple for my children– both for their enjoyment and in the secret hopes that they’d someday want to learn to play, too– but found myself incapable. Because I stopped using my talents, I lost them, and it would take a lot of work to get back to where I was. I don’t know that I have the energy or motivation to devote to that, so it seems likely that I’ll never really regain that lost talent.

I can, however, continue to hope that my kids decide they want to play. :D