Archive for October, 2008

You may have noticed the redesign of the site. What used to be split between me, Toby, and a general news section has now just become my own blog.

Toby tried to merge all three blogs together to form one mega-blog, but it didn’t work out so well. Not to mention that it was kind of incoherent, switching between writers, voices, and topics.

We may eventually merge our blogs together, but I guess now wasn’t a good time.

In any case, check out Toby’s blog, randomtangent! He’s started drawing comics again, so you can see his new stuff.

Check it out!

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he decided to try something to help me with my anxiety. EMDR– eye movement desensitization and reprocessing– is a process that helps with a number of conditions, including anxiety, phobias, and trauma.  It works by alternating stimulus between the two hemispheres of the brain to help the brain process certain images and feelings that have become ’stuck’. It has a pretty high success rate and claims that it can permanently remove anxiety linked to specific areas.

So far it seems to have worked. I haven’t had any problems with anxiety since I had it done.

Even though it’s called “eye movement desensitization and reprocessing,” I was told that any kind of tactile stimulus works. So we used two alternately vibrating paddles (which at first looked suspiciously like something used for shock therapy) that I held in my hand. They vibrated for about 30-45 seconds at a time, while I was told to bring to mind certain anxiety-producing images. (These are case-specific– in this particular session, we focused on imagining going to work.) Over the course of the treatment, I became less and less anxious while envisioning the images. Finally, I was to keep the images in mind while repeating to myself certain positive phrases.

I guess only time can tell if this treatment will, in fact, be permanent. I hope that it will be, because it’s nice to not start panicking when it comes time to leave for work.

I’m getting worse. I normally start to have problems in the early afternoons, which is why lately going to work (at 2:00pm) has been so much harder. Once I get to work, I’m usually okay for the most part, if a little uneasy.

Thursday got worse in the sense that I had an even harder time than normal, with much more intense symptoms.

On Friday, it started from the moment I woke up. All day I was on the verge of a panic attack, having difficulty breathing and wanting to cry. I couldn’t think about leaving the house without nearly breaking down. It didn’t subside at all once I got to work. I just wanted to say that I was sick so that I could go back home and hide.

Now not only do I have difficulty making phone calls, I have difficulty receiving them, too. I often don’t pick up my phone when it rings, even when I want to talk to someone. I almost never talk to my parents anymore, even though I think of them every single day.

I don’t initiate conversations on AIM. I don’t respond to emails. I rarely even blog.

I just wish someone understood what I was going through. I feel like I’m going through all of this on my own.