Archive for August, 2008

One of the things I’ve learned over time is that things always look brighter in the morning. Because I knew this, I wanted to write my post yesterday to document exactly how I was feeling. Perhaps it’s not such a good idea to put such negative thoughts in a public place, but I wanted to remember how this made me felt, so that I could learn from it.

This post will be much more positive in tone. Believe it or not, I’m actually pretty tenacious– you can knock me down for a bit, but you can’t keep me down for long. I pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on.

I’ve also learned over time that it’s dangerous to wallow in self-pity. For that reason I allow myself one day to feel sorry for myself when something bad happens, but after that I make every effort to keep going and learn from the experience. It’s not always easy, but I do at least try.

In some ways I’m relieved that I left my job. Over time the atmosphere became more and more hostile, as it was becoming increasingly obvious that I wasn’t fitting in. I began to dread going in to work every day. Also, as much as I loved the company and loved the project I was working on, I hate QA work.

What I’m most passionate about is language, and I have a natural talent for copy editing. (Though, of course, I’m not perfect and I do need to practice for a while, as majoring in computer science has made me a bit rusty.) I want to use this time to learn about the industry and try to break into it. If it doesn’t work out, I can try to go back into the workforce.

The dangerous thing about this line of work, for me, is the fact that I’m going to be at home a lot. Because of my disorders, I’m going to really have to make an effort to leave the house regularly. I don’t want to allow my problems to overwhelm me again. I know there’s only so much other people can do to help me– the rest is up to me. As hard as it will be, I’ve got to face myself and overcome my own problems without letting them run my life.

I know I’ll make it. I know I’ll be okay.

I apologize to those close to me who were concerned for me. No matter how dark things get, I know that you’re there for me and will love and support me in all that I do, and that you’ll be there to give me the sound advice I know I need.

To all of you who said that this was just the beginning:

You were wrong.

In all fairness, if I were like any normal person, this would have been the beginning. Unfortunately, I am not a normal person.

I lost my job today. Technically, I resigned– but I pretty much had to, due to the sheer number of negative comments I was receiving. I was simply unable to fit into the company culture, not to mention I had a bad start due to personal issues that arose. I at least left on relatively good terms with the higher people, but I’m not too sure about how my peers felt about me. Not that it really matters, I guess, considering they didn’t really like me before anyway.

The next step is figuring out what to do next. I honestly don’t know anymore. My self-worth has taken such a huge hit during my first ventures into the “real world” that I’m not sure that I’m capable of securing another job right now. It’s hard to convince a hiring manager that you deserve the job they’re offering when you can’t even convince yourself. And, in all honesty, who wants to hire a severely depressed, obsessive-compulsive agoraphobe?

With my personal issues at the level that they are now, I’m not sure that I could fit into any culture. I’m unable to connect with other people at the most basic levels. I’ve been in Hawaii for 4 years now, and have yet to make a real friend, someone who I could confide in and who I felt safe around. (Aside from Toby, that is…) I can barely speak to other people, can hardly look them in the eyes. The world is a threatening, bitter, horrible place, and in my own way I’m trying to shield myself from all of it.

I let myself get overwhelmed shortly after starting this job– I found myself unable to leave my house, and other times I found myself unable to leave my bed. Naturally I didn’t make this known until it was too late. I should never have succumbed to my problems, but if it was unavoidable, I should have at least let the others know what was going on. I guess now they’ll never know that I acted the way I did not because I was lazy or stupid, but because of something far more serious and dark that I allowed to break me.

A good first impression can be undone in an instant, but a bad first impression is virtually impossible to erase. I realized this, but I was too stubborn to pull out early enough. I wanted to believe I could change and that I could force others to see me in a different light. But, no matter how much I tried to change myself to match their expectations, it was never enough. Maybe things would have been better had I gotten off to a better start. No way to know now, I guess. It seems to me, though, that things were doomed from the start, even before I starting drowning in my own personality. Maybe I should have seen it coming much sooner. Maybe I should never have accepted the job in the first place.

So, back to the question of what to do next… I was thinking of freelancing, but I have no idea in what area I would freelance, and seeing as I have next to no professional experience, I doubt anybody would really hire me anyway. I can’t bear the thought of entering another corporate environment, at least not in my current state. Graduate school is an option, but I’ve already decided computer science is not for me, so I really don’t know what field I would want to study.

Life right now is a big bunch of blanks. I don’t know where to go or what to do.

I just want to go home.